Sunday, March 25, 2007

Manning on SNL

Manning faces one of the biggest challenges of his career. How can he succeed as host despite an awful cast that includes such comedy geniuses as Keenan Thompson? But hey, if the show goes poorly, he can always just blame it on the cast members like he did to his offensive line two years ago in the playoffs. That move made me lose all respect for Manning. I think Manning has comedic potential though. Based on his playing demeanor you would think he has no sense of humor. However, he holds up well on commercials and I saw him on Letterman once and he did well.

-The show starts with an extremely weak Bush related opener; Peyton you can go nowhere but up from here.
-Manning references his overexposure on commercials. This is a good sign; he is willing to make fun of himself.
-Peyton is racing through his monologue, talking very fast.
-All the Manning’s are here, that’s a lot of pressure
-Wow, fake United Way commercial with Manning made me laugh out loud, this show has potential. Manning cursing equals comedy gold.

Bronx Beat Sketch
-Peyton being a guest interviewed by Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler for Bronx Beat. I guess this is how women in the Bronx act. I don’t have much familiarity with the area. These seem like recurring characters and aren’t very funny at all.
-The strategy seems to be to not let Manning do much talking. They are warming him up. They are making him throw some screen passes to Rhodes before he starts going deep to Harrison. Don’t they know Peyton Manning needs no warming up.
-Manning appears in an actual MasterCard commercial. That motherfucker can do it all.

ESPN Bracket Sketch
-ESPN style show, bringing the leaders of ESPN’s national bracket pool together for discussion of their picks. Manning appearing as sports reporter and Amy Poehler as a receptionist. The joke appears to be that she is clueless and picked the bracket by team colors and mascots.
-It is saved when they refer to Arizona as pulling a Manning because they did well in the regular season but lost when it counted. I don’t think he would have allowed this joke had he not won the Super Bowl last year. I really think that was a sensitive subject for him.
-Manning overacts being angry about the pulling a Manning reference.
-The April 14th show is hosted by Shia Lebeouf. I had to google that name to find out who exactly that was. I am not very hip. I own a PC, not a Mac.

Couple Sketch
-Manning and Maya Rudolph play a couple at a party. Another woman playing a character, who may be a recurring character, is always one upping everyone’s claims.
-Manning is enormous; he towers over the women in this sketch. I laugh about that but nothing else from the skit elicits laughter.

Halftime Sketch

-Sports related with Manning taking a bigger role
-Premise involves a team not wanting to return to the game because they are scared. Will Forte plays the coach and tries to fire up the team and begins dancing to strange music.
-Manning visibly laughing at Forte’s dancing, towel over face. Keenan, harnessing skills learned from his stint on Snick, reigns in his laugh and quickly composes himself. What a fucking pro.
-Manning dancing elicits laughter from me. His hips are thrashing wildly and his face becomes serious. He throws in a little Pulp Fiction Travolta in and then begins to play Forte’s leg as guitar. It is one fantastic mess of a dance.
-Yet another Manning commercial. Were those planned?
-I notice Andy Samburg is in the background of this skit. Wasn’t he supposed to be the savior of SNL with his digital shorts? He has been involved very little in the program

Movie Set Sketch
-Manning is dressed and heavily as some sort of ogre creature on a movie set. He needs to throw a rock at Fred Armisen but can’t do it for some reason. This inability to throw the rock results in frustration from the crew. That is the joke. Manning is not wearing a shirt. He has a chicken chest. A shirtless Fred Armisen has more pectoral definition.

Front Porch Sketch
-Manning and female cast member are drinking coffee on a bench outside the house. Conversation starts out mundane, married couple stuff. As the sketch progresses, comments get more outrageous. This has been done many times before. Quickly cuts to the Meatloaf Mercedes Benz commercial not even worth describing

Show Wrap-up
-Final goodbyes, unfortunately Manning doesn’t publicly blame the cast for the show’s weak performance.
-It’s Manning’s birthday, Eli Manning and what looks like another Manning, possibly Cooper, present him with a cake.
-Overall not a bad performance for Manning, nothing to be ashamed of at all. However, the other cast members and writers should be very ashamed of themselves.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Eagles-Giants Live Blog with Playoff Implications

This game is brimming with playoff implications. I may have to invent a glove that protects your hand from the brimming playoff implications spilling out of your glass. Giants vs Eagles, rivalry, good announcers, the blogmaster live blogging. What more could you possibly want?

1st Quarter
-Tiki Barber scores early after an Eagles punt. Barber usually destroys the Eagles, this is an especially porous run defense as of late. I expect Barber to have a big game..

-Garcia answers with a drive, as Joe Buck puts it , that is “laced with precision.” Aikmen has nothing but great things to say about Garcia. Big touchdown for the Eagles, took the crowd out of the game.

-I’m hungry and will need to get something to eat; live blog will have to wait.

2nd Quarter
-I’m back from my meal. And what a motherfucking meal it was. You motherfuckers should have seen it. A soup was involved, some salad, and a main course. I am quite satiated.

-Westbrook’s diving touchdown is accentuated by Shuan Alexander taking the ball and spiking it with authority. The sideline shot of a fired up Alexander slapping the water bottle out of a trainer’s hand elicits laughter from the blogmaster.

-Giants close the half with a field goal and they get the ball at halftime this is not good.

3rd Quarter
-Omar Geither with a big sack followed by an interesting stutter step dance. Omar the rook getting start over white boy McCoy.

-Feagles punts for the Giants. I remember Feagles was on the Philly team in Madden ’95 that I took to the Super Bowl. Yeah but that was with no fatigue and penalites

-For some reason they show a split screen of Shockey and a fan that resembles him. How many cell phone calls do you think that fan just got? I would say he has at least 20 people simultaneously calling him. And lets just say many of the message involve the word 'dude'.

-Emmons comes back to haunt the Eagles with a big sack to push them out of field goal range. Hey remember when you wouldn’t give me any money. Well you were right, but watch me sack your QB in a game with playoff implications. Garcia with fire in his belly completes a pass to set up a missed Akers kick.

-A big Burress play leads to only a field goal. I’ll take it. Eagles up 14-13.

-Those Mac commercials are receiving excessive playing time. We get it. If you own a Mac you’re hip, conversely if you own a PC you are lame.

-Extreme closeup of Garcia’s bloodied and bandaged hand elicits a Sandleresque “guuuuuuuu” from the blogmaster.

4th Quarter
-Reno Mahe almost breaks a return touchdown but is caught from behind. Unfortunately, Mahe lacks breakaway speed. He is great at fair catching though.

-Nice play call. 3rd and 2, 4 WR and a hand off up the gut to Westbrook for a 26 yd touchdown. Eagles up 21-16.

-Garcia after a inexcusable unsportsmanlike penalty throws a horrid interception in the red zone. Giants return to Eagles territory and are threatening to take the lead.

-Plaxico Burress is tall, Sheldon Brown is not. Ball is thrown up for grabs, pass interference ensues.

-Jacobs steals a TD from Barber fantasy owners and puts Giants up 22-21.

-Reggie Brown scores a TD to put the Eagles in front. The Blogmaster is genuinely fired up. I haven’t experienced emotions this strong since the late 90’s. The ball is then given to an offensive lineman who spikes it. I like this new celebration the Eagles are doing. It can’t hurt get the big fellas involved.

-Eagles convert 2pt conversion and lead 29-22. Manning has 3 mins to perform some magic. Let’s think back to the backyard. You, Archie, and Peyton honing your game. You can do this.

-Trent Cole makes a magnificent pick and score on the first play of Manning’s comeback drive.

-Shockey gets destroyed by Mikell, my night is made.

Wow, the Eagles have done it. Take that North Jersey. Have fun not watching any playoff games Giants fans. The Eagles could take the division. They own all tiebreakers with the Cowboys. By the time they get to the super bowl McNabb should be healed. Things are looking good, yes?

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Flextastic: Eagles-Colts Live Blog

The Eagles still have a chance. I’ve talked myself into it. After watching an Eagles-esque collapse by Eli Manning and the Giants, I feel the Eagles have destiny on their side. The Giants are a mess; the wild card is up for grabs. I agree the loss of McNabb is devastating. The Eagles need McNabb and Westbrook to have any chance of a Super Bowl victory. However, I think the playoffs are still possible if we go 10-6 or 9-7. Jeff Garcia “was brought in for this reason” and he is no Mike McMahon. Let’s take a look at some Garcia’s stats from his prime.

2000 35 TD, 10 INT, 97.6 qb rtg
2001 37 TD, 12 INT, 94.8 qb rtg

So there is a chance. Garcia is only 36, maybe this time off will help him regain his form. We have seen QB’s older than Garcia regain their younger forms. So let the blogging begin. I am currently 1-0 when live blogging Eagles games so we’ve got that going for us.

1st quarter
-I turn on the TV. Andrea Kramer tells me McNabb will be watching the game from New Jersey with his leg elevated. I am doing the same.
-Sunday Night football, prime time, the flex game , good announcers… oh wait Madden and Michaels both suck and blow.
-Considine starts over Michael Lewis now? I am shocked. When did this happen. I have missed too many games this year.
-ABC flashes possible milestones Peyton Manning could surpass tonight. I think no one is more aware of his milestones than Manning. I imagine Manning with a pretty nicely put together excel spreadsheet tracking all of his milestones and how much more he needs to accomplish them.
-Not looking good, first drive Colts march down the field and score with a heavy dose of Addai
-Michaels jokes with Madden about a shot of a plane and if it makes him nervous. I forgot Madden doesn’t fly anywhere. What a pussy.
-ABC plays the Steve Miller Band ‘Fly like an Eagle’ leading to commercial. How clever.
-They start the game with 3 straight Westbrook runs, then a Westbrook screen pass. That looks like their game plan. Can Westbrook play QB?
-Garcia makes the binocular motion at scrimmage and converts a 3rd down conversion to Greg Lewis who holds on after getting hit hard. Peyton who? Garcia can make weird motions at the line and direct his offense as well.
-Another 3rd down run (unheard of for the Eagles) but it fails to convert. Akers misses the FG and ruins a great drive. That lost the game for them. The Eagles needed points there to answer the Colts opening drive.
-Eagles lose a challenge with a great one handed Wayne catch. Great catch, I’ll give him that but it looked like he pushed off and no one is mentioning it.
-Quarter ends Eagles down 7 with Colts in the red zone.

2nd Quarter
-Addai lights up the Birds for another score. 14-0. The Colts cannot be stopped. I can’t watch this game anymore. It is 9pm. I am going to watch Family Guy and when I return in 30 mins, I hope the Eagles are winning.
-Turn back to the game and it is 21-7. Not what I expected but we are still in it and we get the ball first after halftime.

3rd Quarter
- Good lord, Joseph Addai is really lacing into us and he's using the hickory stick. He has broken the 100 yd mark for the first time all season and we still have a quarter and half to play.
-31-7, I may have to stop watching soon. What about the rest of the season? I don't know if I can watch meaningless football games. It would be one thing if the Eagles were supposed to be bad. Then I would stick with them. But this team was supposed to be good and watching them play meaningless December games with Garcia will be to painful.
-Reggie Brown scores, which is bad for fantasy purposes but good in that I will stick around for the 4th Quarter. Quarter ends 31-14 Colts.
4th Quarter
-This Samsung HD commercial about people having to prepare extra to be on HDTV is true. I recently watched Sixers Post Game live in HD and Dei Lynam and John Nash are not suited for the improved clarity.
-Collingsworth is being brought into the booth via satellite to tell us how Jay Cutler will replace Plummer in next week's Sunday night game. They are already promoting next week's game. It is a good thing because Stallworth just pulled a Ricky Watters on a 3rd down play that went unnoticed because Michaels and Madden were distracted by Collingsworth's gentle decency.
-Now they are showing a clip of Coughlin trashing Manning for the interception. Is this how the rest of the game is going to play out? Michaels and Madden just chatting up NFL topics.
-Thankfully Lito Sheppard makes an amazing interception to bring attention back to the game at hand and end ABC's endless self promotion. Michaels calls it a "great pilfer job."
-Westbrook scores and 31-21 with plenty of time left and really sticks it to ABC.
-More Peyton Manning commercials. This new one steals a classic Simpsons joke. Peyton tells the moving guys "they are not booing , they're saying mooooove." Boo-erns to pilfering (via Michaels) a Simpsons joke.
-As the Colts continue run right through the Eagles D, Collingsworth is back to discuss the Eli Manning incident. Everytime I see Collingsworth appear I know the game is slipping farther and father out of reach.
-Collingsworth is back. Do they do this every game or just when the game is pretty much over? Actually this is a good way to handle uninteresting games. Just bring in Collingsworth to chat about the NFL. Like adding a new charachter to a TV show.
-Addai scores again to seal the proverbial deal. That is 44 fantasy points for Addai.
-Feely enters the game. You have to protect the Garcia.
-Game over 45-21. Reid does not look happy. I would like to see the press conference.
So the Eagles are 5-6. I bet you motherfuckers are happy about that. Garcia played reasonably well. The defense, especially the run D looked liked it had no idea what was going on the entire game. We could still finish 9-7 and squeak into the playoffs, yes?

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Live Blog: Eagles vs. 49ers, Giants come back to haunt me once again

After live blogging the Eagles’ first game against the Texans, I decided to watch the Week 2 matchup against the Giants sans computer. The results were disastrous. Since I was not live blogging, it freed me up to send a cocky text message to one of the many degenerate Giants fans that inhabit my place of work after the Eagles jumped out to a commanding 24-7 lead in the game. I angered the football gods and as you know things went downhill from there. However, I am currently 1-0 when live blogging so let us hope that trend continues.

4:05: I turn on the television. I like to catch as little of the pregame show as possible. Giants are playing the Seahawks. I quickly turn to CBS but get highlights. I turn on NBC maybe they have the game, NBC carries football now, right? Do I have the NFL network?

4:15: Oh you motherfuckers think I care the game is not on TV. I have better things to do than watch football. I can play catch with my kids or spend some qualitiy time with the wife. Perhaps I can finish that novel I’ve been working on. The one that chronicles the coming of age of a young boy during the turmoil of the South African apartheid. I know that will finally get me out of this dreary, soul crushing job I have. Oh the look on old man Peterson’s face when I get published and I can quit that job. I am too smart for that place anyway. There is so much to do on this crazy blue marble than watch meanlingless football games. Have you ever walked by the ocean during dusk? Have you ever seen the . Wait, I can probably get the radio broadcast online, right?

Sunday, September 10, 2006

The Blogmaster Watches Eagles vs Texans

I have an idea. I am going to watch this Eagles game and while viewing simultaneously add comments to the blog. This has never been done before and I am calling this novel concept a “live blog.” The 2006 Eagles are a mystery to me. I am no longer in the heart of Eagles country. I can’t listen to sports talk radio or read the Philadelphia Inquirer anymore. I now have to form my own objective opinions on the team. I tried to watch some preseason games but found them wrist slittingly dull and never made it past 15 minutes. So this will be my first Eagles exposure and because I am not surrounded by Eagles fans as I usually am, I will direct my comments to my computer screen.

1st Quarter

-I turn the television on. Defensive starters are being named. Who is this LB Matt McCoy for the Eagles?
-Our announcers are Kenny Albert and Brian Baldinger. The Eagles need to start winning some games so we have the good announcing teams.
-Baldinger points out that Carr was second to Vick in QB rushing. I am surprised.
-The Texans have Eric Moulds?
-Buckhalter healthy is good. He will be the best backup running back they have had in a few years.
-Shawn Barber is back with the Eagles, that is nice
-Quarter ends, Titans 7, Eagles 0. This is not looking good, the Texans crowd is fired up. McNasty needs to step up his game.

2nd Quarter

-Where is James Brown? Chris Rose from the Best Damn Sports Show is giving me my gamebreak with attitude. I guess he was brought in to appeal to a younger, hipper crowd. I know all my friends watch his terrific show.
-The Donte Stallworth era begins with a touchdown. Albert refers to him as the anti T.O. because he is number 18 and doesn't celebrate after scoring . That is slightly clever. Did he just think of that or did he write that one down beforehand?
-Baldinger suggests the Eagles pick up Ryan Howard. A Phillies discussion commences. Baldinger scores points with the Blogmaster
-I enjoy Baldinger’s liberal use of the telestrator.
-After learning that Stallworth text messaged Chad Johnson for TD celebrations, Baldinger hypothesizes that all NFL receivers probably text message each other. I don’t know if I agree with that.
-Eagles 14, Texans 10. After playing poorly, Eagles are winning at the end of the half. Stallworth is prominently involved in both TD drives.

3rd Quarter
-A heavy dose of Westbrook. Eagles 21, Texans 10.
-McNabb has been working on his fake handoffs, not only did he make the safety bite on the TD to Stallworth but he has fooled the camera man at least 3 times today.
-I just learn my fantasy QB, Trent Green (who has played in 100 straight games), was knocked unconscious and carted off the field.

4th Quarter
-Burger King commercials are back.
-Finally some info on Matt McCoy. He is a draft pick. Baldinger says he is a “good crazy”
-The NFL is donating footballs signed by Paul Tagliabue to high schools. Doesn’t the NFL use larger balls than high school teams?

That’s a record. Mixed reviews on the live blog. I had trouble both blogging and watching a football game. Although it did give me something to do during the many commercials. Much like the Texans I lost steam towards the end and even fell asleep briefly during the 3rd quarter. Good start for the Eagles. The play of Buckhalter and Stallworth is promising. I hope you motherfuckers enjoyed the game as much as I did.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Giving the people what they want, one blog post at a time.

Has it really been over a month since our last blog posting? Our readership of approximately 10 people has probably all but faded away. A brief mention in a website read by millions was not enough to propel the blog to greatness (google that’s blogtastic, our link on that website appears as the second most popular choice). Maybe it is a good thing that four twenty-something college graduates can’t find time to sit in front of a computer and post blog entries. I blame my lack of output on the fact that the ‘p’ button on my keyboard must be struck in succession at least 5 times before it registers on the screen and how frustrating it is for me to type because p is a frequently used letter, after all, it is worth only 3 points in scrabble.

I think it is time for me to revitalize this blog. It is time to give people what they want. Lots of car chases and explosions. I noticed people like movies about pirates in tropical locations. I promise the blog will have more swashbuckling, spelunking, and special effects. People seem to like TV shows with judges where people are judged. We will let our readers post blog entries and they will subsequently be judged. I will be the harsh judge. I have a great list of witty putdowns that the audience will be sure to react with disapproval and jeers. Republicans have won the last two elections. My blog will be visible only to rich old white guys who will then trickle down the information to the less fortunate. Dan Brown has sold millions and millions of books. Therefore, every post I make will end in a cliffhanger and you will have to wait, constantly refreshing your browser for the next post to come. You can expect the same level of poor writing that Dan Brown offers because I am a man of science not words. I notice Leno consistently beats Letterman in the late night ratings. So expect a lot of Monica Lewinsky jokes and a segment where I walk around and interview people who obviously know what this segment is about and give ridiculous answers to questions and people laugh. Honestly, I really think you motherfuckers will enjoy this new look blog. Keep an eye out for more posts.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Spreading World Cup Fever Stateside: A How-To Guide

I've finally come to accept it, but I'll be damned if I understand it. Just like the popularity of the flat brim hat or why people think Nicole Kidman is hot, I have come to accept the fact that the majority of Americans care as much about the World Cup as the WNBA; but I confess that I never, ever, ever, will be able to understand it. Soccer, and in particular the World Cup, is far and above the most popular sport on the planet for a reason. Truly insane fans, outrageous individual personalities, and edge-of-your-seat drama that is on par with any walk-off homerun or game-winning field goal are only a few. To say nothing of the fact that, to the best of my knowledge, soccer is the only sport that ever directly led to a full-blown war.
However, in the eighteen years since I first took the pitch as a precocious five-year old, the many hours I have spent trying to convince my fellow Americans that professional soccer is a thrilling enterprise worthy of their attention, have mostly been in vain. I've heard all the standard excuses, like "They just stand around the whole game" (Hello? Baseball?), "What's it matter? Our team sucks anyway" (Newsflash. Not anymore.) and "They act like they've been shot anytime someone touches them" (Umm...yeah...that's annoying) and despite my best efforts, my guess would be that in my eighteen years of advocacy and lobbying, I've turned on exactly zero people to the world of professional soccer.
But no more. Driven by the thesis I proposed months ago on this very blog, namely that virtually all types of athletic activity, including free-throw contests and even the modern pentathlon, that can be transformed from unwatchable to captivating by having cold hard cash riding on the outcome, I've come to a foolproof solution to spread my favorite infectious disease, other than gonnorhea (kidding), World Cup Fever, to fans "from the mountains, to the prairies, to the oceans, white with foam." Ladies and gentlemen, my proposal is simple. Create a World Cup fantasy league. Such leagues are already popular in Europe, and in the grand tradition of The Beatles, pizza, and Heidi Klum, it's time to bring the best of Europe to the States. So gather up seven of your friends with borderline gambling addictions, pick up two cases of Beck's, as a tribute to this year's host, and hold your first ever World Cup Fantasy Draft, according to the following rules:
  • The draft is four rounds long, and conducted in a "snake" format. (e.g. The owner who picks first in the first round picks last in the second round.)
  • Each nation can only be drafted by one owner. (e.g. Once Brazil is picked first, and it will be by anyone with an IQ greater than their shoe size, they cannot be picked again.)
  • Scoring is as follows:
  • Preliminary Round Win - 3 pts
  • Preliminary Round Tie - 1 pt
  • Advancing past Preliminary Round - 2 pts
  • Win in Round of 16 (Advancing to Quarterfinals) - 4 pts
  • Win in Round of 8 (Advancing to Semifinals) - 6 pts
  • Win in Round of 4 (Advancing to Finals) - 8 pts
  • Winning Third Place Match - 6 pts
  • Losing Finals (Finishing in Second Place) - 8 pts
  • Winning World Cup - 10 pts
  • The owner whose four teams garner the greatest combined points is the winner. Ties can be decided by highest finish of any nation on an owner's team. (e.g. An owner who has the nation that finished in second place on his team wins over an owner who has no teams that advanced past the quarterfinals.)

What could be greater than cheering wildly as the bottom line on ESPN2 informs you that Ukraine (your seventh round sleeper), in fact, did manage to hold off Saudi Arabia to secure their passage through to the second round. Or being unable to tear your eyes from the TV as the Czech Republic faces off against Argentina in the finals on July 9 in Berlin, not because of your affinity for the women of Prague or your love of a fine Argentine steak (apparently it's delicious), but because if those former Commies can hold off those pony-tailed pretty boys, you'll pocket $180 bucks and be able to say you are the master prognosticator in the world of professional soccer amongst your friends for the next, not one, not two, not three, but four years. That is, of course, unless my idea for an MLS Fantasy League begins to gain momentum. But hey, one step at a time for now.