Monday, April 10, 2006

Magyar On The Run

RICHMOND, Va. (AP) - "Cochrane?!? He's (expletive) garbage!!!"
That was what neighbors heard sometime after 9:30 AM Sunday morning from apartment 4C in the WoodCreek Apartment Complex in the Hillsborough section of Richmond. The statement was made by 23-year-old Drew Magyar after hearing news that his former high school football teammate and one time teacher, E.J. Cochrane, had been signed to a one-year contract by the Atlanta Falcons of the National Football League.
"It sounded like a Yeti was let loose up there," said John Milsby, who lives directly below Magyar. "The only thing I could think of to do was to hide my most valued possessions and lock my door."
Magyar and Cochrane were both placekickers. Both played at Pennsbury High School in Fairless Hills, PA. Both continued to kick in college, Magyar at Dickinson College in Carlisle, PA, Cochrane at The University of West Virginia for one year and Montana State for three years. But only one of the two was able to make it to the NFL (Cochrane), while the other was thrown smack dab in the exciting world of corporate accounting (Magyar).
According to several WoodCreek residents Magyar burst from his apartment and continued running at full speed toward Interstate 95 South. Neighbors say Magyar was screaming uncontrollably as well as yelling things such as "What an a**hole" and "I'm going to kill that bastard" in an abnormally whiny tone.
This most recent outburst by Magyar has not surprised his friends as much as it did his neighbors.
"Wait, Drew was carrying one like a four year old and was filled with purposeless rage?" said one of Magyar's childhood friends, who chose to remain anonymous. "It was about time. He's been in Richmond for almost six months now...he was definitely due for one of these episodes. Gosh, building up for so long with noone to attack."
Most upset by the incident are Magyar's parents. According to Patricia Magyar, Drew's mother, her youngest offspring wasn't "as planned as their other two children."
"Drew was our little mistake," Mrs. Magyar said. "And now the world will feel his wrath...and it's all Vince's fault....Who the hell uses sheepskin anymore?"
If Magyar finishes his trek, which should leave him somewhere near the Atlanta Falcons training facilities, Cochrane should be warned to protect himself from his ex-teammates kick attacks.
When reached for comment Cochrane played the dumb card, "Drew who?" said Cochrane. "I am kicker. Watch me lean. I hear bird."
Check back for more updates on Magyar's spree to the South.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm suprised Magyar didn't kill himself. I would have if I was him.

11:21 AM  

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